Acceptable responses to sick-call counseling

After calling in sick and you are summoned before the kind folks at Lost-time & Attendance to atone for your transgressions; feel free to use these prepared responses. I hope they bring absolution.

The generic
It is with the deepest regret and heartfelt humility that I speak with you today concerning the recent use of my contractually allotted sick time. Due to unforeseen circumstances involving my health and well being I was unfortunately compelled to use the generous half-day sick pay benevolently bestowed upon me by my employer. I cannot begin to express the remorse and disappointment I have in myself and my immune system for having to expend such a magnanimous gift. Rest assured, from this day forth, it is my intent to strive for and achieve my most fervent goal of perfect attendance.


The Subservient
First let me say how much I value, respect and appreciate the hard work you and the lost time administration department have done for American Airlines and our bottom line. As an employee I strive for perfect attendance because I know we are a team at American and if we pull together we win together. Like the importance of the Critical departures throughout the day, I understand the importance of perfect attendance and I agree that every employee should place perfect attendance as a Priority one critical so that the mutually shared sacrifice each employee endures for the good of the company will ensure the success of American Airlines and Operation Cooperation.

The Patriot
Regrettably, I was forced to call-in sick on the date/s in question. With every fiber of my being I wanted to be here on that day and achieve my goal of perfect attendance. I want to contribute to the success of American Airlines. I understand that I am a valued employee with the world’s second largest airline and that makes me an integral part of the economy that is our great nation. In the future, my goal, or personal mission statement; shall be, “Ask not what American can do for me but rather what can I do for American.”

The Paulson
I would like to provide an update on the state of my health, my employment, and my strategy for continued implementation of what I call the sick-call rescue package. As I assess where I am today, I believe I have taken the necessary steps to prevent a broad systemic event. Both at home and at work I have already seen signs of improvement. My immune system is stronger and more stable than just a few weeks ago. Although this is a major accomplishment, there are many challenges ahead. My immune system remains fragile in the face of the bacterial onslaught that resulted in a well being downturn as well as a significant loss to my economic fluidity resulting from the half day sick pay I was forced to take in my weakened condition. Sick call turmoil should abate now that the biggest part of the health correction is behind me. For now my primary focus is recovery and repair of my perfect attendance record.

The MLK
I have a dream. That one day I will be judged not by the failure of my immune system but by the content of my character and history of my work ethic. I dream of a day when as an employee of American Airlines I can call in sick without fear of retribution or sick-call counseling. I envision a promised land where employees are treated with mutual respect and regarded by management as equals in furthering the interest of the company. I am certain that one day this shall come to pass. I may not see it in my career but I believe one day we shall reach the promised land of understanding and mutual respect, where pulling together actually means working together and winning together.

The Bixby
Dear Madam,
I have been shown in the files of Lost Time Administration the statement that I have used five sick-days on the field of battle for my health.
I feel how weak and fruitless must be any word of mine which should attempt to beguile you from the grief of a loss so overwhelming. But I cannot refrain from tendering you the consolation that may be found in the thanks of the one person's health for which they were expended.
I pray that our Heavenly Father may assuage the anguish of your bereavement, and leave you only the cherished memory of the loved and lost, and the solemn pride that must be yours to have laid so costly a sacrifice upon the altar of my health and well-being
Yours, very sincerely and respectfully,